Taong 2001, sa Piyu ako napadpad,

Nakipagsiksikan, nakipaggitgitan,

Nakipag-amuyan sa kili-kiling pawisan.

Kumusta naman, enrollment na naman!

Tuwing palistahan, section nami'y laging una,

Sinanay ni Lola Zenaida na tumilaok ng maaga.

Mas maaga mas maganda, mas maraming chika!

Dahil sa agap at sikap, MC0141 naging "cream of the crop" pa!

Dahil sa "cream of the crop" controversy, section nami'y naging shaky,

"You don't have the right to question our credibility!"

Kung may tanong ka, "Go and search in the library!"

Section nami'y maharot at palabiro,

Pati sa aming guro'y nakikipagpatintero.

"Classmates, labas na't bilisan nyo!"

"Nandy’an na si Ma’m Castro! Aabutan tayo!"

Section nami'y umaarya,

Lahat ay bakla, todo sa pagrampa.

Sa pangunguna ni Andi Fashionista,

Sa pang-ookray ni Kabiling Kristeta,

Section nami'y tunay na kakaiba.

Pang-out of this world talaga,

Si Irish Booba na 12 years old lang pala,

At si Vanj na sa Lord of the Flies ay kasama.

Di ko na iisa-isahin pa,

Mga kulitan, kabaliwan at kalokohan.

Pati na awayan, iyakan at tampuhan,

Nang grupong sinubok ng panahon at samahan.

Ngayong tayo ay hiwa-hiwalay,

Tinatahak sariling landasin ng buhay.

Nawa'y bawat isa'y maging matagumpay,

Pagkakaibigan nati'y baunin magpasa-hanggang hukay.

Mga bakla kong kamag-aral,

Ako nawa'y di nyo malimutan.

Ang kaibigan mong nanggugulo sayo,

Nandito lang ako't naghihintay ng text mo.

***Written by my good friend Miche Alejandrino. It's kind of like a "for us by us" kind of thing, as published on our college yearbook. Ah, I'm loving the special mention of my name! Hahaha. It's like some class prophecy. I hope you enjoyed it, if you don't read and understand Filipino, awww. Going back to the poem, I miss the days. I miss college (the time I rocked, I ruled and I reigned bwahaha)... While I'm having lack of confidence in FEU's Department of Communication (I'm just not so keen about the new chair's 'not ready to lend a hand' ways... hello, I was once a student, too, must you help and support me when I need your help and support?) there's no denying the fact that the four years I spent with the school taught me things I never knew—priceless life lessons. To the friends I found and the friends I lost and then found again, I miss you all!***

Halfway through what would be my most intimidating project for my Color Theory class done, I decided to take a breather. It’s fourth week of school in my first quarter, and I have learned quite a lot. While it gets more and more difficult as we progress through the academic year, I am pulling through. And I’m enjoying it. What with the help of books such as Fashion from Concept to Consumer and The Fashion Book, I am slowly grasping everything I need to know to persevere in this field of interest.

I specifically love my Intro to the Fashion Industry class, I see to it to always turn in beautiful projects and assignments. I could not have been any happier with my first ever assignment—a summation and evaluation of a recent fashion news. I decided to read about Italian Vogue’s A Black Issue (a first ever for the magazine, and for any magazine at that) which was out in news stands last July. I was pretty confident with the two-page paper I turned in, not that I want to sound haughty but my classmates (who are fresh out of high school) don’t seem to be taking college seriously. Oh well, I could not pin the blame on them, because I know how it feels like to be fresh out of high school without a clue of the things to come. I was once in their position, when I moved from another university to the Far Eastern, I had to start from scratch—and I had classmates who were two years younger than me. But this time in design school, except for this one (cute white) guy whom I heard is 27, all my classmates are 17, 18 or 19.

At 26, I should already have that sense of responsibility ‘no? I feel that with my returning to school, I have taken that sense of responsibility to a whole new level. In college at FEU, I was able to know my strengths and weaknesses. Suffice to say, FEU gave me that opportunity to determine which areas am I at my strongest. I was always at my best element (except for algebra, statistics and gym!), I was an overachiever, I was always very competitive. It all came to fruition though, most of my projects stood out from the rest. And now I am bringing that with me. I am still the same competitive student I was since day one at FEU. Especially considering the fact that the fashion industry is where I’m heading towards. And it’s where I’ve always wanted to be.

Trust me, it helps if you really like what you’re doing. I like what I’m doing. I couldn’t picture myself as a nursing student. The passion I have for fashion isn’t enough, and so I decided to pursue formal training. The enthusiasm I have for it can only get me somewhere, I have to own it. What is the love I have for it if I do not own it? This is what I had answered on a question in my second quiz for my Intro to the Fashion Industry class, which led to the professor taking notice of the fact that I really am (dead) serious about earning a degree in fashion. Come on, I didn’t come back to school to be cutesy. Long gone are the (high school) days when I’d come to school just to see my crush, or to chat with all my girlfriends, or rev it up for cheerleading rehearsals, or act snide towards the younger students. Things are different now. At least for me. I am sending myself to school, and all I want is to get my money’s worth. Now I know how heartbreaking it is for a parent whenever his or her son or daughter would come home with a “rosy” report card.

If before I would spend an amount of my paycheck at Zara, Heritage and Gap, now I would rather go to Blick Art Materials or Top’s Supplies to stock up on Staedtler pencils, Prismacolor coloring pencils, acrylic paint, Bristol pads, illustration boards and matting boards. It is no joke to be sending yourself to school, and this I believe is why I aim to get straight As. In FEU I was already very conscious with getting handsome grades because I didn’t want my grandparents’ money to simply go to waste. This time I am twice as conscious. I want to get straight As to get free money, to earn scholarships and grants. I yearn for high marks to get my hard-earned money’s worth. And isn’t it just nice to have your works graded with As and just say to yourself “Whew, my efforts paid off… it was all worth it.”

I can definitely say that. My first ever paper about Italian Vogue’s A Black Issue got a perfect score, I got the highest score on our first quiz on Intro to the Fashion Industry, my project on womenswear categories got a 24/25, my monochromatic plate for Color Theory was highly appreciated by my professor and classmates alike. I am still waiting on my score on my color wheel (in which I drew Hello Kitty at the center, which Deanne saw via webchat hahaha), and for the fifth week of class, I have a complementary colors plate (in which I did an argyle pattern) for Color Theory and a mood board for my designs for Intro to the Fashion Industry both due on Friday. Ah, I just love projects that allow me to be creative.

It’s still a long way from here to Bryant Park. Heck before I even get to Bryant Park there’s still those challenges at Project Runway, but before that there’s that audition to prepare for, and before that there’s a job I need to land on to provide as a training ground for me, and again before that there’s graduation, and before graduation there’s a ton of schoolwork. LOL.

I say that fortune favors the brave. That one is not supposed to give up without even trying. I have always been optimistic, and a firm believer that dreams do come true. I am so intent on attending design school (with eventual straight As being listed on class record) because I want to make it to Project Runway. I want to be there, I want to be among the top three designers, I want to be on Bryant Park to showcase my work on Fashion Week. But in spite of my buoyancy, I am still uneasy. Uneasy of what my dreams may come.

July the 17^th, it was a Friday, my first day ever in fashion school. I couldn’t have been anymore excited. I only had five hours of sleep the night before, and I thought waking up at 6:00am to make it just in time for my first class at 8:00am might be quite a challenge for me, but looking back, in communications school all my classes were at 7:30am. And I had the assistant dean for my first period in one term. And 7:30am meant 7:15am to her. Okay, I might be exaggerating, but 7:30am just wasn’t early enough for her. If I survived 7:30am classes for four years, of course I can do that. The only thing is I had a yaya to wake me up at 5:30am way back. And now, I’m on my own. I rely on my mobile phone’s alarm feature, but more often than not, I wake up whenever I say so.

I woke up at 6:00am and got to school right ontime. While I thought having breakfast before class might not be a good idea, I didn't want to come to class with an empty stomach. And to my convenience, there’s a Mickey D’s on the first floor. I guess I’ll never really get tired of McDonald’s, so I had an Egg McMuffin, which I thought was safe to eat versus pancakes (that might have milk in them). 7:30am and I was all set to walk to the elevator to meet up with my (cute) admissions director. Sssh, let’s pretend I didn’t say that, he married a Filipina who’s about my age, for all we know we might even have six degrees of separation! Oh well, I just said cute, and it’s even enclosed in parentheses. Anyway, the elevator opened, and in a count of five, the admissions director walked out. He walked out of the elevator, and saw me and decided to just go back upstairs so he can assist me on my first day. He walked me to my first class, Introduction to the Fashion Industry, and while on it, he shared a few things about how his Thursday night went, and that he wanted something fruity and tangy from Robek’s to get over all the greasy food he’s had the previous night. Small chat. He told me to just yell at him whenever I need something.

I walked inside the classroom and sat next to a Korean girl, who at first glance I knew was a little "fobby". Not that there’s anything wrong with being FOB (I am FOB as well) but I’m just afraid of the language issue, you know. I was getting nervous by the moment. I had to call Nairi (who also was in school in Glendale) to pacifiy me. Moments later, the professor arrived. We did our introductions in a way to tell that we are fashion students. Oh how I remember first meetings back in communications school, while we did it a number of times in creative ways over there, it was different in fashion school. We had guidelines on how to introduce ourselves. We had to define fashion in our own words, we had to say something about our one favorite clothing article in our closet, and talk a little about our career goal. And since this is LA, we had to say where we’re from and where we’re living now.

I said my favorite clothing article is a classic white shirt because you can never go wrong with it. I didn’t really have a fixed career plan at this time, like what I’ve said in my previous blog entries, I feel that arming myself with a degree in fashion could also take me back to my communications roots—as a costume designer. Or as a stylist. Or as a fashion editorial assistant. But didn’t want to have the same answer as the 19 others in class. So I said that since I already have a degree in communications, I want to couple it with a degree in fashion and be a real-life Andrea Sachs or Betty Suarez, as a fashion magazine assistant. My classmates are all young, fresh from high school, and they probably haven’t heard much about Andrea Sachs and Betty Suarez. But, whatever.

It was a fun first class, but I swear, I was really nervous. Come on, I haven’t been a student in years, and now this. Student again. I am yet another statistic, bearing a student number. Of course, I’m still getting adjusted. And having spent all my years in schools in Manila, I can clearly tell it’s all different here. Students just casually walk out of the classroom whenever they need to. As in without even raising their hand to excuse themselves. I think I will have to get used to this concept, but it’ll take time. Because I know that at the back of my head, it’s rude to just not say anything to the professor and just walk out like that.

I feel that my tension was kind of getting the better of me that day. The professor asked the class if any of us knew who came up with the “little black dress”. I knew it was Coco Chanel, but I ended up second guessing myself and not saying it. Nobody knew it was Chanel except for me, but I wish I had voiced out my opinion. Oh well, I learned. I was just so jumpy that I found myself stuttering at times. Gee whiz. I need to get the hang of this fast. But in totality, it was a pretty good first day. Pretty good that I'm already looking forward to next Friday’s class. Ah, and since my school is on mid-Wilshire Boulevard, in the heart of Koreatown, I’m beginning to think where to have my lunches at already. Will it be at the galbi place a block from the school, or at that pho place Jonathan and I always go to late at night. And yay! There’s Lollicup not too far from school. The world in which I live in, Koreatown! There’s so much to do in Koreatown that lunch time won’t be enough. Oh well, beginning next week forward, I won’t be working Fridays, so it’s suffice to say Fridays are now Koreatown days! I can leave class at 5:00pm without having to worry about making it on time at work because I won’t be working Fridays anymore. Fridays are Koreatown days, let me reiterate that. Hahaha.

The joys of being a student again. It won’t be easy, I know, but it should be rewarding at the end of this all. Right? I’ll keep you updated. Toodles!

I didn’t catch the pilot episode though. I said to myself, “Oh, another US remake of a pop culture marvel, Hollywood is totally running out of ideas.” I’ve seen Yo soy, Betty la Fea a few years back, thanks to Carlo Centena (where is he?) for getting me hooked on this phenomenal Colombian telenovela that took the world by storm. Another reason is that I’m never really a fan of Hollywood remakes, more often than not, they butcher the original. So I said I’ll pass on this one. Until I found out Eric Mabius is playing Betty’s boss! Eric Mabius, Da Mabes… my high school crush, oh God I’ve been crushing on him since Cruel Intentions, and finally, a project that will make him a household name. Admittedly, Eric Mabius served as the selling point to me. I didn’t know much of America Ferrera, but Eric Mabius alone made me want to watch the show.

I caught up with it. I watched the pilot somewhere online (not on YouTube, I think it was on Daily Motion) and needless to say, it got me hooked! After seeing a couple of episodes, I can definitely declare that I love this take on the well-loved Betty story. And what made it appeal to me all the more was the fact that it was set in the world of fashion, with Betty, a smart young woman from Queens, trying her best to fit in a world full of glamazons at Mode magazine. Ugly Betty has drawn comparisons with The Devil Wears Prada, with both stories being set on a magazine and with assistants to the editors-in-chief as heroines. I say both have charms of their own. I love them both.

The producers of Ugly Betty, Salma Hayek, Silvio Horta, Teri Weinberg and Ben Silverman did a terrific job in breathing fresh air into the story. While it retains th core of the story with a physically challenged woman complete with a size six figure, thick glasses and braces, the story is retold in a way different from the popular telenovela. The central characters from the original bore different names and characteristics in the remake, so to draw attention from America viewers. New (original) characters were also introduced, as well as composite characters (combination of two or three characters in the original into one). It is poignant and very heartwarming, Wilhelmina Slater (effectively portrayed by Vanessa Williams) is just so hilarious in a devious way. All of the characters have grown into me. The Barracks Girls (or the Ugly Girls Squad) isn’t present on the US remake, but there is Christina McKinney (portrayed by Scottish import Ashley Jensen), is just so effervescent, especially with her thick accent. Other favorites of mine are Becki Newton who plays Amanda Tanen Sommers, Michael Urie who plays Wilhelmina’s equally vile assistant Marc, and Ana Ortiz, who plays Ugly Betty’s sassy spitfire but compassionate big sis Hilda.

My viewing of the first season had to come to a halt though, as midway through, I flew to Asia. And at the time, they weren’t airing Ugly Betty yet in both Japan and the Philippines, and trust me if ever it was on air over in Asia, it would probably a season delayed! And when I came back to LA, I didn’t have time for TV I chose to devote my time on nonsensical matters like boys. Hahaha. The first season even ended without me knowing it. And so I waited for the DVD. To be able to have Ugly Betty marathons whenever I felt like it. And by the time the second season was about to air (in the fall of 2007), I was already done with the first season.

But my work sked didn’t really allow me to catch every episode of the second season, but whenever I miss an ep, I download that particular episode via torrents. So it’s like having TiVo but on your computer, aaah the wonders of modern technology. And I have the whole second season on my laptop, which will stay (on my hard drive) until I get a copy of the second season DVD soon.

The third season (in which production moved from LA back to New York) will open in the fall, on September, to be exact. But up to that time, I’m going to have my Ugly Betty marathon!

Fashion school excites me. But more than anything, it worries me to no end. What if I don't make it after all? But I know that this is my calling. This is what I’ve always wanted to do, it’s just that at the time I got done with high school back in Manila, fashion design wasn’t an option. There were some schools that offer fashion design, but to me back then, it didn’t sound like a real course to pursue for college. It seemed to me that you can’t pursue fashion design, it’s just weird to answer a classmate’s question of “Hey what do you plan to take up for college?” with “Oh I plan to take up fashion design.” Everybody else answered nursing, engineering, communications, tourism, dentistry, biology—courses that were common, or common to everyone’s knowledge to say the least. I lost interest in science after fourth grade, and math just proved to be more and more difficult after fifth grade. Gone were the days of one-orange-plus-three-oranges-equals-four oranges and the My Dear Anna mnemonics that stood for multiplication, division and addition. And so, I decided to study communications. I love to write, I aspire to be a filmmaker, I love the multimedia arts. But I am not involved with any of the aforementioned. Well yeah I write. On my blog.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed my four years in communications school at the Far Eastern University. I wrote for the school paper, I was into theater (which I eventually spearheaded in my senior year), and every project that were assigned to me, I accomplished with so much passion. Needless to say, I liked being that active communications student who only has time to rest when he’s peeing (that’s why it’s called restroom, LOL). But sadly, I feel that I have not been making use of whatever it is I had learned from school.

I remember vividly how my grandparents told me that there’s no money in the course that I am (or was) pursuing back then. I didn’t listen, I was happy, they were happy. But it’s just so difficult to make use of my knowledge in the communication arts in a place like Los Angeles. Reality check, why would say, Disney/ABC, NBC Universal, Fox or Warner bank on me when they can bank on someone who has a degree from USC? Painful as it may sound, but what can I say, reality bites. Still, I don’t regret anything. I had the best four years in college at FEU. I couldn’t complain. But I do remember a favorite professor of mine, Annabelle Kibanoff-Mercado, say to us that after college graduation we all might end up being “Jacks of All Trades but Masters of None”. True, true. I couldn’t agree more.

I can only just pursue continuing education, or go after a master’s degree in communications, or take up courses on creative writing and filmmaking. But I chose to take up fashion design. My first job in LA required interest and knowledge in fashion, though it was forgettable due to the boss’ mood swings and hanger-flinging, I still had quite an experience. I would spend some minutes walking along alleys of LA’s fashion district before walking inside the Cal Mart, a building that housed some fashion buyers, trend forecasters, color analysts and junior designers. It was just amazing to witness fashion as it is incorporated in your everyday life, as it unfolds right on your very eyes. So after a month of being there, I decided to move to a garment company, wherein I worked for the design team for a year. It was fun, and it made me embrace fashion even more. It provided me an insider’s view of how garments are made from the forecast and design procedure, color analysis, patternmaking and sewing.

Soon after, I decided to do fashion retail as a part-time job. I worked at Gap, initially to do visuals, which eventually led to doing sales. I’ve grown so much with working at Gap that currently, I could no longer easily call out or switch shifts with somebody else because that somebody does not ring (or has not been trained yet to ring, or to be a cashier). I guess this is what I get for asking for a raise, hahaha. Three years of working for retail imparted valuable lessons. It is the job that allowed me to deal with people of different cultures and colors, of people from different walks of life. And more than anything, it is the job that humbled me. But there’s only so much you can learn on one place. I don’t feel challenged enough anymore. I need to do something. I’m still at a point wherein I second guess myself. Do I want to stay in retail for long? I don’t know. But right now, I do not see myself in an upper management position. With all due respect to retail, I feel that I could do more. Yeah, it’s fun dressing up and coming to work in Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy clothing (thanks to the employee discount), but to dress up and just do sales on the floor and become a cashier for say, four to eight hours, I feel that there is so much more I could do. I’ve become known to friends as the creative one, and with what I’m doing, there’s not much creativity involved. I want to dress up, and dress others up.

I woke up one day and said I’m doing it. I’m going back to school. For fashion. I’m no longer in that fresh-out-of-high-school stage in life wherein I need to make a decision, quick. I’ve thought about this for three years. While my first option to go back to school for was for film, I thought fashion was more like my calling. I worked for a trend analyst, I did color theories, I do fashion retail. I have been working for fashion since day one out of college. And I realized that I can’t just work for fashion for the love of it, or solely for my passion for it. I need to equip myself. I need to acquire formal training for it. And that is what I’m doing right now.

I know it’s a total departure from my communication roots, but hey, I can work as a costume designer for films or TV and become the male equivalent to Patricia Field. Or become a fashion magazine editor like Anna Wintour (whom Miranda Priestly was loosely based on). With that, I can put to use my penchant for both writing and fashion. Orf course to get to that place, I’ll have to be a real-life Andrea Sachs or Betty Suarez first. How neat is that? Very. And who doesn’t know Project Runway, of course that’s one major reason why I went on to pursue fashion! With sheer determination and faith, that could be my ticket to success. I have every desire to be next in line to the new breed of Asian designers like Doo.ri Chung, Thakoon, Peter Som, Phillip Lim, Derek Lam and of course, the Philippines’ pride, Monique Lhuillier.

I’ve scanned my books for school, and boy, fashion design could be as equally difficult as nursing. Just leafing through this patternmaking book with different figures of patterns drives me crazy. Some might think it’s just some frivolous course to pursue, that it’s not something as impressive as being a nurse or an engineer or an accountant, but nurses wouldn’t even know what kind of pattern was used in creating their uniforms, or the history in the clothes they wear at that. Just the same manner a fashion designer wouldn’t know how to revive a patient. On the surface, people might think that fashion design is for those who aren’t as good in math as engineering students, but clothing, like the houses that engineers build, is a basic human necessity. And more than anything else, fashion is also a discipline.

I am thrilled, I am keyed up. Nervous, yes, I guess that won’t go away until I get the hang of it. Going back to school is yet another ground for me to break. And working on having fashion design on my belt wouldn’t really hurt at all. I've taken my first step, I'm definitely on this now, there's no turning back. I am very positive that in a few years I'd be able to look back and say to myself that I did the right thing. But for the time being, here I am, moving fashion forward. My first day of classes is on Friday, I’ll keep you all posted.

I am officially a fashion student. I got accepted at the Fashion Design program of the Art Institute of California (Hollywood)! Exciting? Tell me about it. I’ve never been this excited in a long time. This is so much better than falling in love (only to find out you’ve fallen for the wrong guy, which makes all the worse). I am so overwhelmed right now that I fear this entry won’t even have proper direction, or that I won’t even be able to write accordingly. I am thrilled, I am afraid, I am ecstatic, I am nervous, I am challenged… I have a hodge podge of different emotions at this time. But let me tell you how this came about.

Today, Friday July the 11^th, I had a scheduled appointment with the cutest admissions director ever. Oh my God I didn’t expect him to be a cute, young professional white guy (who’s married to a lovely Filipina and has spent time with her in the Philippines). Too bad he’s straight, so, that’s a dead end right there. Hahaha. So anyway, I met up with him this morning, thinking that I would only have to go through a rigorous interview to check to see if the school wants me the same way I want it. I didn’t know of the process, I remember speaking to the admissions director on the phone, with him setting me up for a Friday morning appointment, but I didn’t know that it would be some sort of a screening procedure to find out whether I belong to their school or not. But, I’m glad I didn’t know. Still, I was able to ace the interview (that lasted for about two hours). It was just like a casual meeting with a guidance counselor, nothing too stringent. Afterwards, he had to speak to the (other) admissions director, whom I spoke with prior to him, it turned out they talked about what their decision on me will be. And that was it, two minutes later the admissions director came back to me offering me a slot in their school.

The next thing I knew, I was already being given a tour of the structure, paying for the admission fee and speaking to a financial officer. A few minutes were spent going through my artworks, chasing papers, filling up forms and reviewing my transcript from college, before I knew it, I was already enrolled for an academic year which for me will commence on July 14, 2008 and will end on March 2, 2009. That is three quarters spanning in 9 months. Yay.

I couldn’t be any happier, what more could be happier than taking the first step to pursuing your dreams? I could go on and on talking about my enthusiasm on the idea of walking through hallways and classrooms again, rushing to get to school on time, cramming to beat a deadline, or staying up late working on a project. It’s been three years since I obtained my first bachelor’s degree, three years of being out of school and now here I am, a student once more. I miss being an active student, with all honesty. I am just so glad to be back. And in two years time, I’ll see to it to be working for an industry I truly wish to be in—fashion.

And now the only problem I see is how to break the (good) news to my mom. Hahaha. She has no idea that I am officially a student beginning Tuesday of next week. While she would support me 110% if I went to pursue nursing, she would have a hard time accepting the fact that I went back to school for fashion instead. Oh well, I’m not getting any younger, I got to do what I got to do.

I am overwhelmed with a lot of things going on in my life that I do not know how to properly begin this entry. I haven’t written for quite sometime, which leads me to ask, “Will I still be able to string a good sentence?” A little ‘pencil pushing’ might do me good. Except, I don’t write with pencil anymore. Hehehe.

I have unconsciously neglected blogging, a pastime I have been doing since 2003 (ah, my blogger as novice days over at Xanga). I am guilty. In my class in college, I was the first one who owned and maintained a blog. Before everyone else followed suit, I was already blogging. Nobody understood me everytime I talked about my blog. Not even my (insert negative adjectives here) ex-boyfriend could relate to me everytime I’d talk to him about my latest posts with such fervor. Apparently, he didn’t quite appreciate the concept of blogging. Nonetheless, I still managed to have my own place in the blog-o-sphere. A place that at the time, nobody knew of. Soon after, blogging was on the list of my hobbies. I made it my favorite hobby.

I had made friends through my first blog, I would interact with them via comments and e-props, it was cool, until I decided to move to a different platform—Friendster Blogs. At the time, Friendster was like what Multiply and Facebook are to me right now. And so I thought it’d be best to blog on Friendster since most of my friends are on it. I left Xanga, without bringing any entry with me to Friendster. On Friendster, I started with a clean slate. Some entries later, I decided to move to LiveJournal, which I thought was just like Xanga. Except with LiveJournal you get to have your user ID in the beginning of the URL, ie http://yourname.livejournal.com/, versus Xanga’s http://www.xanga.com/yourname. I incorporated all my entries from Friendster to LiveJournal, and then after quite a while, and with Multiply having gotten just better at the time, I decided to move again.

I was a squatter. Hahaha. But Multiply has given me (and is still giving me) the freedom to be creative, allowing me to come up with my own theme for a more personal effect. After two years of being with Multiply, I am happy. I just feel a little culpable on the fact that I haven’t blogged in weeks. A coworker and friend of mine, Lily, once said to me that she doesn’t blog about any random thing just for the sake of having something (on her blog). She saves the best entries for publishing. I agree with her on that, only the best should make it to here.

And with the lack of desire and inspiration, I found myself spending time on the Internet hopping from one blog to another, in hopes of getting myself reacquainted with what I call my favorite hobby. Blogging is cathartic, it is liberating, it is something rewarding. It is something I would do for the rest of my life. And while I am pleased with Multiply, I just wish for two things: 1) that they could allow readers with open IDs, or those without Multiply accounts, to be able to post comments; and 2) that it’d be easier to post YouTube videos, as well as other embeddable items on the blog. Nevertheless, blog is beautiful.

I’ve never been this angry in a long time. I would no longer beat around the bush, this is what came to pass. Yesterday, I was having a grand time at work, I came in about 20 minutes earlier than scheduled so I had time to grab a slice of that marble cake from Gloria Jean’s with a can of Pepsi for breakfast. That alone took me to higher spirits.

It was a challenge converting people to buy in the store on a slow Wednesday, we were struggling but that’s how it goes in retail. So we finally had traffic around lunch time. We had Veronica D. on the cashwrap and Zaira, Bonnie and I were on the floor. Working in retail, I have already gotten the hang of greeting strangers who walk into the store. You see, there was this Armenian couple, in their late twenties or early thirties that walked in. As you would expect, I came up to them and made them feel welcome. Gap is a company that takes pride on excellent customer service. Given that, all of us who belong to Gap are being counted on in acknowledging the presence of every single person that walks into our store. And since every single person gets tallied by our traffic counter, it is our opportunity to convert each of them to buying.

After a few minutes, I followed up with the Armenian couple and asked, “How are we doing over here, are you still finding everything alright?” This is what happened next:

“Do you need help?” asked the Armenian guy.

“No, I do not.” I replied. At that moment I knew he was already being obnoxious. But I kept my cool, I had to, it’s part of my job to be patient with other people.

“Okay, leave us,” the Armenian guy said. “I want you to leave us.”

I was stunned. “Just so you know, this is part of my job—”

“I said leave us.”

At that point, I wanted to answer back at the rude Armenian guy. I felt a rush of blood on my head, I was shaking. I knew that if I wouldn’t walk away, I might be able to say something that I would regret later on. Being the levelheaded person I know I am, I walked away and found myself talking to Zaira and Bonnie on the opposite corner.

I was pissed off. I was trembling in anger and deep in my thoughts I wanted to get back to that rude and ugly Armenian guy. Bonnie told me to not retaliate for it wouldn’t make me any better of a person than them. Zaira told me to retreat back to the stockroom and take a five-minute break. I took their words and went back to the stockroom and composed myself. I wanted to even the score by saying what I feel I need to say to those discourteous Armenian customers. Thoughts were running in my head. Not too long, the door leading to the hallway to the salesfloor opened, it was Zaira. At the same time, the door to Cara’s office opened. 

“Are you okay?” Zaira asked me.

“Why, what happened?” Cara asked, surprised.

And so Zaira relayed the incident, and then Cara, being the head of our store provided insights. A minute or two later, all three of us went out to see if those rude customers were still there. Cara walked the way she should—as the general manager of the store. She came up to the couple and asked if everything’s alright, the guy started to feel anxious and so he pretended to be on the phone. I left Cara with them and then Zaira and I went to the first room, looking at them. Afterwards, Cara came up to us and told me to not mind them and that for all we know, that Armenian guy might be in the closet and is threatened by me. True enough, homophobic guys, more often than not do turn out to be gay. Zaira thinks the guy is mental, and that he stunk.

From where we stood, the guy just started hugging and kissing his girlfriend. Seriously, get a room. A part of me still wanted to get back at that stinky and ill-mannered Armenian guy and say to him, “Do you have a problem with me doing my job? If so, speak to my general manager.”

Sigh. I am having feelings of remorse. To tell you quite honestly, I am the type of person who, when heightened by my emotions, can deliver the most painful words of tongue. And I get even. I get even or I go crazy. I need to get even or I will never ever forgive myself for not being able to do so. Like right now, I still could not forgive myself. I feel that I wasn’t able enough to stand up for my good. Why did I even clam up and walk away from those customers? I should have just told them, “You know sir, I’m not about stooping down to your level but then if there is someone between us who should leave this store, it is you. Just who are you to tell me to leave, I work here, and you don’t. So leave my store.”

Admittedly, I turned my back on that ugly couple just so I won’t get caught up in an argument with them. Things might have gotten complicated. And truthfully, I cared for my job. I know that my general manager and district manager would stand by my side, but then I do not know what repercussions would come about if ever I addressed spiteful words to those customers. I may or may not lose my job if I did that. And Bonnie kept reminding me that I was the better and bigger person by walking off on them with my dignity.

I still have the urgency to get back on that despicable guy. I won’t be happy until I get to hurt him, too. According to the looks of it, that guy seemed like he isn’t educated enough. According to Zaira it is just right that I didn’t even go to talking back for he isn’t my equal. Sigh. I don’t know, I seriously could not forgive myself thinking and feeling that I was not able to stand up for myself even if Zaira, Bonnie and Cara constantly reminded me that I was able to do so by walking out on him. I am so much better than lowering myself to a scumbag's level, I know, right. But I’m looking forward to seeing him again inside my store. When the time comes, I already know what to do.

I've found everything I need for to persevere in this life—first, a strong threshold of support comprised by the bestfriends I could ever ask for in this world; second, a significant other who, for one major reason isn't into this whole gay drama and is very protective of me; and third, a family who accepts me wholeheartedly for who and what I am. I grew up with grandparents who were very good providers, while they kept me sheltered, they still managed to keep both my feet planted firmly on the ground. My grandparents raised me well, and it is them who taught me that the best things in life aren’t things. Friendship, love and family are what make us feel fulfilled and secure. Thankfully, I got all three, and there's nothing more I could ask for. 

With having said these, I am giving in to the prodding of my intuitions. I am bidding my DowneLink profile goodbye. To the people who have touched my life through this social networking site, whether to heal me or to hurt me, I thank the opportunity of knowing you all. To the best girlfriends one fab guy like me could ask for namely Apple, Echie, Ianne, Ila—all of you who signed up on DowneLink just to show some support and give me some good lovin' hahaha—let us all be happy and content with our "chartered territories"  Multiply, Facebook and of course, the pioneer, Friendster; to Mart, the one person I truly trust out of all this gay community, a big thank you to you. While we don't really get to spend all the good times together, you have always been there for me during the not so good times. You are a classic example of a friend who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

And most importantly, to the people I may have unconsciously "pushed" away by allowing someone to corrupt me, if there is a greater word than sorry, then that's what you deserve. While it remains uncertain whether we're still friends or not, I will still smile while remembering the happier moments we've all spent together. Whatever it is you infer from this open letter, be my guest.

To my "detractors", sorry to disappoint you but I won't give you any time of my day. I'm done with all this gay drama. And as my bestfriend had put it in her recent testimonial for me, it's time to leave "90210" to move to "The Hills". Funny. Moving forward, I have completely changed every contact detail to get my old life back—one that is free from drama and free from people who don’t have anything better to do than to make it their goals to harm and hurt others in order to please themselves and get what they want. I have never felt this vindicated and liberated. And as I move from "90210" to "The Upper East Side", while some characters leave, some do stay... and to the ones staying: hello! While I will still maintain my personal website, I have changed everything spanning from email addresses to messenger IDs to screen names to phone number. Everything is completely new. I’ve learned my lessons, and I’ve learned them well. Having said all these, I am moving on. And this marks my "rebirth".

***NOTE: This is an open letter that I had posted on the DowneLink bulletin board exactly a month a go as a form of a send-off to my old profile on there. I thought it was a good written work of mine and so I reposted it on here.

Why is change an option when everything seems to be near as perfect? Why change at a time when you believe you have everything and that there’s nothing more to ask for? Why change when you're already at that comfort level wherein you are accustomed to what you have and who you have in life? Why change when everyone else stays the same?

Why? Because change engenders that feeling of being alive, change is what makes us feel most alive, and change is what makes us persist in life here on earth. Come what may. I believe I had lived an evenhanded part of my 26 years with change, and perhaps I will still live the next 26 years of my life with it. Not because I try hard to have it but because it is inevitable and that it is the only thing constant in this universe.

With a conscious attempt and the liberty to do so, change can begin from us. My only take is that we should change for ourselves, for if we change in an effort to please others then that is a different story. We change to make us feel better, to make progress and to improve ourselves.

On a personal note, I made a few major changes in my life in recent times. And I know I'll never be the same person ever again. I am not remorseful for having undergone those incidents in my life because they're awful and appalling but because I would not forgive myself if I allowed those instances to pass. I had risked for a lot. But hey, isn’t it that the biggest regrets in life are the risks we didn’t take? I chose the latter over the former.

My resolutions are not brought about by impulse, mind you. For someone who isn’t really gifted with proper discernment, I have reflected and conscientiously thought about all of my decisions. Though admittedly they are not the most excellent out there but they are undoubtedly the most appropriate choices I had ever made in my life. Unfortunately in the process, I had lost some important (or what used to be important) relationships. I wish that tomorrow I wake up with no regrets. Impossible, I know, right?

You know what? It hurts to let go of the people who have earned your trust. It hurts twice as much to be given up on by the people you have learned. And it hurts thrice as much to love those people only to realize almost too late that you don't mean as much to them.

Way, way dramatic I know. But whatever you may deduce from this post, be my guest. I just want to take this opportunity to take one step up, leaving behind marred feelings, harmful thoughts and people who make me feel least alive.

It took me forever to follow through with my first ever blog entry on this new “home” of mine. And since I didn’t really welcome you all to my new home on cyberspace in my previous post, allow me to do so now. Welcome, you made it here safely! Unfortunately I could not say the same about my past blog entries and comments. No matter how hard I tried, there was just no way for me to bring over about 200 blog entries and 500 comments that I have accumulated since time immemorial. I’m exaggerating, what I mean is, since the time I started blogging which was about three to four years ago. So kidding aside, I’d like for you to believe me, I pleaded with the Multiply staff to either do something to be able to change my URL, or to do something for me to be able to import all those blog content from my past website, but nothing could be done even if I paid. And so left with nothing, I have decided to just start fresh.

While I am still pondering on whether to import the same blog entries from my old site through my LiveJournal account (by crossposting), I feel that it won’t be a fresh start if I did that after all. Plus, it won’t be the same without the comments and all, so why retain them? If you come to think of it, 200 entries, and about 500 comments, and over a thousand hits on my counter, it is not that easy to let it all go, but then again, it’s time to move forward. I will still keep my old Multiply site open until further notice, but definitely I am only going to update this blog from this point forward.

The theme is change, and changing for the better is what I’m all about. In my previous entry I did mention about thinking of a rather catchy identity that I can as well make use of as my blog URL. I wanted to change my online IDs to bring about one that I will use in a consistent manner. Although that could mean being easily tracked down and identified, I’m up for it. Hahaha. People would think, “So if he uses this ID on here, he might be using the same for Yahoo! and for MSN and for AIM and blah-blah-blah…”. To save nosy people the hardship, yes, I am using a uniform ID. So go figure.

On the topic of selecting a new online identity, yeah, I did come up with a lot of names other than those mentioned in my first blog post. I thought of using scen3_stealer, eksenad0ra (a Filipino slang term which directly translates to scene stealer), frostbitt3n, ice_que3n to name a few. I did register those, so technically I own those IDs just in case I decide to change (my ID) again—which I hope I don’t plan on doing anytime in the future—I already have quite a lot reserved.

Since I am starting with a clean slate, I’d like for the followers of this blog (both the old and the new) to know of some minor adjustments I will be applying on here. First off is my format. If you have been keen on my format, I made use of different styles and fonts from one blog entry after another in my old site. I thought it provided variety, I thought it was a way to offer something fresh to my readers, but I think I will have to just stick to one font from the beginning until the end. While I will still stress out emotions by making use of a different typeface on key words and phrases, I will only use one font on every blog entry, which is Calibri. I am as well employing the capitalization system to all my blog entry titles as opposed to writing them in all caps. There won’t be major changes, but these are the changes that will take effect from now on.

Another change is that I would no longer upload music and records (albums) on this site. This is in view of the fact that Multiply had disabled the option to share music to everyone who’s on here. I mean, why upload music if other users won’t even be able to download them? While there is a secret way to download them, it’s risky, because my account might end up getting closed due to copyright violation if I did that. And that’s not something I’d want to happen. It’s always better to be safe than sorry. As for the videos, I’d still upload videos which I find amusing, entertaining, enlightening and informative. For now, these are the main areas of interest in my website—my online journal, my photo albums and the videos I wish to share to everyone else.

Again, welcome! And I hope you enjoy it here the same way I do.

Admittedly, I had a very long “blog hiatus”. The longest I’ve had in the amount of time that I have been blogging. And a lot longer than my blog “vacations” combined. While writing still is cathartic for me, I just got caught up with so many “dramas” recently. I got distracted by so many issues brought about by insignificant people who make it their goals in their empty lives to ruin others. But, they’re not the people who can bring this dreamboat down. I guess the person to bring this dreamboat down hasn’t been born yet. LOL.

So moving along, remember how I’ve been talking about how I plan to renovate my blog with a new layout, new color scheme and new photographs eversince the start of the year? Well, it did materialize—I took on a new layout, color scheme and had paid a wedding photographer to take photos of me just for my site. But I guess I wasn’t really that keen into updating my blog, one thing came after another and then I found myself without having any desire to put my thoughts and emotions into writing. I just didn’t have proper motivation. I wasn’t inspired, I couldn’t find any inspiration to be writing or posting entries on my blog.

Perfect timing came along for I had decided to change my identity on cyberspace. And since I like uniformity, I said to myself that if I were to change my email addresses and messenger IDs (for both Yahoo! and Windows Live) and AOL screen name, I might as well change everything—for standardization. Whew. That’s a hassle, but then, I want to take on one identity for everything. And I wanted a single word. I’m tired of being a “fashionista”, even if I have been using that identity for over the years now, I felt like I needed something else. I first thought of “signorina”, which means “miss” in Italian. I wanted it to be spelled as sign0rina, with zero instead of an O. So I registered the ID on Yahoo!, it went through. I registered it on MSN, it went through. Now, for AOL, it did not go through, saying somebody owns that screen name already. Argh. Just my luck. I wanted that identity so bad! But what can I do. So I came up with different names, like “asimetrical” taking –sim from my surname. But that’s too insignificant for me, and it’s not striking enough. So I thought of something else, how about “and3licious”? It went through on all three platforms (Yahoo!, MSN and AOL), but still, I wasn’t happy. Ting! What about dreamboat as in “dr3amboat”?

Without wasting any time, I registered “dr3amboat” on Yahoo!, MSN and AOL. I wanted to replace the letter E for the numeral 3 to signify my birth month according to the Gregorian calendar, March. Yahoo!, MSN and AOL all have accepted it, and from there I registered it on Multiply (even if I wasn’t sure yet whether to give up my old site for a new one bearing this new ID), Imeem and Photobucket, just to make sure no one would lay claim on my new identity. Hurrah! And thus I became a dreamboat.

Now why dreamboat, you ask? What is a dreamboat exactly? Honestly, I didn’t know what it meant, I just thought it would be a nice ID to have and hold. But I wanted to know what dreamboat exactly meant, and so with research, I was able to pull this up:

dream•boat [drēm’bōt’] (plural dream•boats)

noun—a person considered to be exceptionally goodlooking

and physically attractive